and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
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And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
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Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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