apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
