I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
