What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
