Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
