I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
