The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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