some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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