At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
He felt like a one man threesome
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
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I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
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well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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