Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
