I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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