I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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