I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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