i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
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There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
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I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.