hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives