Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
How's work?
Spinning.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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