If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
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Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I need a beard to bite.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd