thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
