There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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