someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
We were destined to go to rehab together
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Randomize
