I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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