Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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