Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
