Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
