I think I died a long time ago.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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