her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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