i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
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then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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