i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
So many bounce houses so little time
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Randomize
