why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
