No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
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