dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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