I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
