Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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