it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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