i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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