I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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