Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
