stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
