If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
