How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
