If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
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I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
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I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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