The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
