why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
