well I can't set my house on fire every night
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
