Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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