Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
