Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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