oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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