Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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