Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
