I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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