do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
