Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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