What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
