we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
