i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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