Your face is a jimmy john
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
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Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
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The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
We need to get me chipped asap