I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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