I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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