so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
