you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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